Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
Mission get my tooth back and find a new dick to ride starts after i sleep for the first time in 2 days.
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
Well Jon got a DUI sleeping in the back seat so I thought the trunk was safer. BUT WHO CARES WHY JUSE PLEASE COME LET ME OUT!
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
Randomize
