A 20 minute car ride back to your car with the girl u had drunk anal with is the most uncomfortable thing ever.
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
on a brighter note, the cop thought i could kick adams ass if it came down to that and said he had $20 on me if it ever happens
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
Randomize
