Well i have to fuck at least one of your roommates this year to keep the tradition alive.
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
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