Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
Why do I have this feeling like this is heading in a slightly threesome-y direction
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
Randomize
