i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
but she was nice to me.
She was a fuckin STRIPPER.
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
His dick might not be the answer to my problems, but I'm definitely ok with testing it as a possible solution.
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
I remember that. We went to taco bell looking for pizza.
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
