Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
First coke bust down the road. Spring is finally here.
its been so long even thinking about having a dick inside me makes me sore
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
Randomize
