Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
Two girls are now jumping in the ocean naked at 10 PM...and I was just starting to hate Ocean City
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
library dates and plan B? He is looking like a great catch.
bad news.. campus security walked me home last night and when i tried to tell them where i lived they assured me they knew where our house was.
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
Randomize
