everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
Not me. I think "beastiality" sounds pretty classy.
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
I just need to find someone whose kink is financial submission.
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
Randomize
