nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
It will be a surprise...all i can say is stripper clown
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
come over, blizzard of oz party. dress up.
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
The best walk of shames are on the highway
Randomize
