is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
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