She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
There was a community pot of Ramen, and if you were in the pool you were either fully clothes or ass naked.
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
he told me he didn't like my name so he was going to call me Casey instead
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
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