Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
yeah true but how easily can you rip a scrotum
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
Omfg 7 hour sex session who am I?
PS: I think I'm in love
Ability to walk tomorrow tbd
Randomize
