wakey wakey hands off snakey
Should I tell Kevin that my finger was in his sister's ass last night?
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
I saw a kitty kat get finger blasted on the couch by a Bulls player
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
Randomize
