you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
She walked in the room and sighed really loudly fishing for attention. but I didn't bite cuz I don't give a fuck what's wrong with her.
They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
well, I yelled "the tribe has spoken!" at a boatload of people and then I walked home alone in the pouring rain at 1:30am. karma really is a bitch, yo.
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
no it was
but you compared your dick to a female disney character
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
Randomize