Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
Would you consider masturbating to Hocus Pocus an adulthood high or low?
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
Randomize
