I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
Pretty sure this radio station is run by a cult. Good thing it's in Spanish, can't brainwash someone who can't understand you.
Randomize
