Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
Good for him. He wanted to accomplish walking across niagara, I'm hoping to accomplish not throwing up tomoro nite, we all have our own priorities in life.
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
Randomize
