Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
Neil John just started open mouth kissing everyone to make sure they are safe.
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
he's like the highest ranking tongue wizard i know.
Randomize
