How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
according to the video, you won you first drunken karaoke contest based off of your actual singing abilities and not because you took your shirt! I've never been prouder :)
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
Well, he hasn't actually seen me naked. Just my boobs... and the left side of my vagina.
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
I also have bagel bites. I know that's not as big an incentive as the cocksucking but.....
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize
