you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
Your panties and toothbrush are in your mailbox. just not ready to be with anyone serious. take care.
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
HE HAS CHALLENGED MY BADNESS. I MUST CONQUER ALL THAT QUESTIONS MY POWER. BRING FORTH THE TIT PICS.
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
Randomize
