Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
Thank god Shes going home for winter break, gives my dick a chance to recover from those "bjs." Youd think a senior could suck a dick by now.
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
Nah, this is the University of Tennessee. She'll get the clap, and get busted for having pot in her dorm by spring break. This time next year she'll be part-timing at a community college as a nursing major. So predictable it hurts.
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize
