also, you're talking to the girl for whom "deformed baby arm" wasn't quite a dealbreaker.
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
Randomize
