u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
It's very clear that i'm the girl sweating out four lokos at 2 in the afternoon at the gym
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
I'll be there in spirit. Right there in your vagina.
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
Randomize
