I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
so i was just informed that i sang that song "pop that pussy ayyy pop that pussy" at the halloween party saturday. iembarrassing.
I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
I'n not even sure we went out, but I know we broke into a cemetery.
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
Randomize
