she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
found out the liquor store price matches. thus begins senior year of college
he was drinking cheap vodka with warm tap water and a packet of crystal light. if that's not an alcoholic then idk what is
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
no, I didn't go in the end. Too hungover and hot, plus Star Wars is on so obviously I'm having a naked day.
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
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