Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
Helping a hot freshman girl move in = 2 hours of my life One bottle of cheap vodkas = $10 Watching her do the walk a shame on her first morning away from home = Priceless
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
Randomize
