I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
Don't be scared. It'll feel very good. And you'll be clean afterwards. I'm growling right now.
I had so many friends before that round of Never Have I Ever.
I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
its like whenever the snow comes all the hott girls drop out of school. where are they
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
Randomize
