you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
Also, just saw a kid in a gorilla costume being questioned by a boardwalk cop. I love ocean city.
I think you blew it when you asked her "Do you look good naked too, Or is it just the bra?"
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
Hiding in a kitchen with no pants orange juice abs a pillow...please joun
I haye tequella
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
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