I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
I got her a Nickelback box set.
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
I'm proud of all of us. Somehow we all survived another Jägerbomb Tuesday
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
i'm not sure what you are doing right now, but i know that i don't like it. whatever you are doing. just stop. come here so we can fuck
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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