well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
He just screamed at her, "if you pass out i am still having sex with you!!!" In front of the entire party.
I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
I learned to sign I want to be on you today
Score
Deaf chicks here I come
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
Do you have any pix of it limp? I wanna see the metamorphosis, like a cock caterpillar turning into a giant beautiful cock butterfly!
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
Randomize
