Your mouth is God's brothel.
I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
you alive?
ya, the episode of maury where people are afraid of things are on, i had to keep livin
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
Gees I domt know what your deal was. You kept looking at Nick and shaking your head frantically and doing a weird motion with your hands
Tgat was the small dick alert
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Randomize
