i just saw someone i know on True Life. i need new friends.
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
Randomize
