Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
Sometimes to bang a cougar u gotta play wii With her kids
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
Had sex with him again...yikes. and the whole time he kept saying "i wish we could do this forever." Forever lasted about 45 seconds
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
Im gonna go for the gay guy. The ginger is freaking me out.
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
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