When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
Actions speak louder than pants.
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
This is the high leading the old right now
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
The room got awkwardly silent right as i yelled "leave him alone! I know plenty of straight guys who like to suck dick!"
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