who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
Im going to the gym...covered in the Brazilians cum
And how is that different than any other weeknight in your world
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
Randomize
