we just ha sex. he lasted two minutes. i told him to leave because i had class
isnt today saturday?
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
he turned the pretty ricky playlist on. its about to go down.
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
I decided not to look up the nudes, because I believe that there is a line, and that mocking my old classmate's horrid nudes alone crosses that line.
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
Her blowjob technique? Picture someone attempting to drink a triple thick milkshake through a Capri Sun straw.
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
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