closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
my human sexuality class is the only class where the porn i watch the night before is relevant to the discussion the next day
What's dad's email?
askmom@cause.idk
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
Randomize
