I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
Yeah. I asked if there was a finger in my ass at some point or if I had a weird dream. So far he hasn't responded
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Why do so many fanfic writers want to see hockey players get pregnant?
Randomize
