Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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