I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
Now that I've lowered my makeout age to 21 I have a whole new sea to fish in.
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
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You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
Most people that see those numbers aren't going to realize what they mean and those that do will think 'oh those must be her favorite hockey players' and not 'oh she wants to see those hockey players fuck each other'.
Randomize
