But you know it's love when you find brass knuckles in the same box he keeps his Naruto action figures.
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
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