The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
you traded sex for a burrito?
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
in fingerprint form on my ass. Seriously not cool. \ni bruiiiseeee like a delicate fruiiiitttt. Heeeaaarrr the rythymmm
I am not even close to finishing violently masturbating over that video.
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
Randomize
