Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
Also I'm 95 percent positive we ate food naked together
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
So when this rash is gone wanna hang out?
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
What the hell kind of sad excuse for a bottom are you
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
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