By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
so all night Ive been that girl with her tits out @ the bar. I mean I dropped jaws, yo. But in a classy way.
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
Here. I am here. I do not know where here is but it includes condom balloons, a keg castle, and a shaved goat. Do not find me...I am in post blackout heaven.
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
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