this girl looks like the female version of brooke hogan
pube in her braces AGAIN. barely kept a straight face.
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
Randomize
