I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
first off, his name is dougie. strike one.
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
My parents just out drank me... I cant get back to college soon enough
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
you are dancing on the line between undergrad and alcoholic.
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
Randomize
