I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
adderall just fell out of my nose in class. guy next to me just nodded.
tonight lets celebrate not being married
So let me get this straight. You would sleep with an uncircumcised guy whose name you didn't know, but you won't try the new shrimp taco from taco bell?
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
wanna come over? I have movies.
sure, what movies
porn or disney, your choice
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
Randomize
