i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
well we woke up in different beds than the ones we originally fell asleep in, you were butt naked, and your boyfriend was sleeping on a cot in the middle of the kitchen. that might be why he's mad.
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
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