So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
they started playing Don't Stop Believin' and you had a melt down because it wasnt the Glee version
Babe, I need to be clear. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE ANAL. Never. No anal. No "talking about it"
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
He's perfect in every other way. Is buying him a cockring too forward or just honest?
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
Randomize
