totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
she's just been through a whole lot lately. When the crazy starts leaking out we give her vodka and lock her in the room with all the pillows.
so that's what that room is for...
That is was cool to fuck the single mother accross the street until every girl i bring home gets the car keyed.
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
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