Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
He fucked a visibly pregnant girl. It doesn't get weirder than that.
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
Most people that see those numbers aren't going to realize what they mean and those that do will think 'oh those must be her favorite hockey players' and not 'oh she wants to see those hockey players fuck each other'.
Randomize
