he chased her out of the bar yelling "TAKE MY VIRGINITY" and i havent seen her since
i'd date him for the sole reason that he thanks me after giving him head
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
I don't think he liked your vagina hand signal
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
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