At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
You know your in college when you decide house chores with games of beer pong...
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
He insisted on sleeping in my bed. Had he taken all of my obvious hints I would have sucked his dick. He only wanted to snuggle. My world has been turned upside down.
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
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