Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
He said finals are more important than getting stoned on 4/20. I'm proud in a disappointing kinda way
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
Why did the sexual harassment class show a clip from frozen?
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
You're an adult now and it's your vagina. You should do what it or you wants.
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
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