Getting up at 8 this morning to drink could be the best and the worst idea we've ever had
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
all a girl really needs is a few good pair of leggings and a drug dealer that delivers.
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
i was in class looking for a pencil and found a chicken strip in my back pack. i think i might have a problem.. sad thing is i ate it
Randomize
