Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
Its sad we have to plan out fun a month in advance. 30 sucks.
Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
2nd night home for break and we had to call the fire department to keep the house from burning down. At this rate I'll be lucky to see you next semester.
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
OH MY GOD REMEMBER ALL THAT I LOVE NEW YORK I DVRED BECAUSE I JUST DID
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
so hungover. idk whos house or comp im on
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
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