i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
On my list on ridiculous morning after bus rides home, still sopping wet and carrying a giant straw hat is definitely top five
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
Dude she's famous. She's on an episode of campus pd. Can't not fuck her
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
I'm so sick
I would imagine. You did most of your drinking for brazil last night.
That and I think I got food poisoning from sharing nachos with that homeless guy..
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
Are you trying to say I've made an emotionally well rounded transformation similar to the Grinch?
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
Randomize
