I asked her if she had any t-shirts of bands that didn't suck. I got a Sublime shirt and my answer.
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
Even DaVinci knew it was gay to draw the penis big. Thanks art history
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
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