life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
So this is where people who peaked in high school come to drink?
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
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