I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
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