I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
i'm going to look back at this as the time of my life when i casually dated that autistic guy
I have hooked up with someone in EVERYONE OF MY CLASSES.
That's how you know you deserve to be a senior
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
Whiskey and an unstable home life is apparently the fountain that 20-something boys like to drink from.
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
Plus it's a good way to scope out guys. Have them fight for you, like real males do in nature.
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
So, i might have left my morals back in 2011.
You ruined the universe
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
Randomize
