How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?
4.
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
Also I smoked away my sore throat last night. It's a 420 miracle.
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Randomize
