Last night is one of those stories you hear about on 20/20 right after they make a law banning 90% if what I did.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
He's worked out some sort of arangment where all three of them are dating each other and they've all moved into an apt. with two king beds pushed together
A true beacon of hope in these dark times
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
That went from 0 to lesbian orgy much faster than expected...
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
if i hadn't ended our catfight by hugging you one of us might be dead right now
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
Randomize
