I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
its a nice change of pace not blacking out and actually remembering getting laid
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
The important thing is that she is gone, presumably back to the depths of hell from whence she came.
So I thought you might like to hear how I went to sams club to print some pictures and suddenly there was 20 pictures of your dick and my snatch on the screen
Randomize
