Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
Randomize
