I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
go do what you do best...puke behind churches
What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
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