Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
They really brought out their best strippers for vday weekend
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
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