3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
Randomize
