I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
I don't think she can come out, she went too hard in the Intro to Theater Drinking Game at 2:30
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
he doesn't sweat normal. maybe that's what THC smells like coming through the sweat glands...
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
i think she learned that just cuz half shots were easier, doesnt mean she can have triple as many.
Randomize
